god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
