I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
