I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
