the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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