glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
