I hate your face
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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