just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
