My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
