i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
