Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
