When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He passed out mid-signature
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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