Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
