On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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