why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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