Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
