She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
