if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
