Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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