If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
