the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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