Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
