god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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