My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
