i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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