i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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