Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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