Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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