If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
