im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
