He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
