Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
