also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
my poor anus
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
