Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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