so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
