remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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