hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
