Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
