Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The air was thick with penises
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
