my phone needs a breathalizer
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
