Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
