Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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