No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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