If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
