Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I need to align my fucking chakras
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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