glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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