dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
