I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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