My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Dating After Heartbreak
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.