theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I have already put on my inside pants.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it