i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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