I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
