You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
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