last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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