Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
