i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
