found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
