My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
