There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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