I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
