I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I AM VODKA MAN
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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