Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
